Experience

Varsha wanted strawberry cornflakes but we had only Mango and she was upset. She said,' I want only strawberry cornflakes' 
I replied,' We have only mango today and we have chappati and we have bread. What would you like to have'.
She said,' I hate mango..I hate you.. I will not eat.' I did not reply and kept mum (silence).
After two minutes she put cornflakes for herself.. put badam in it.. put raisins.. cut banana and added to it (she remarked,' mummy, I cut the banana myself') and then she added sprouts :-) to it. In all this going on, none of us commented anything. She asked her brother to pour milk. One spoon in and she commented,' I don't like sprouts and banana with the cornflakes', she still continued to have it. Then she said,' I am too full.. I can't eat the whole thing.'
I asked

,' What do you think you will do differently next time?'
She replied,' I will take little cornflakes..not add sprouts and banana and once I am done I will take more if I want'
How important is to experience?
What would be an experience without any reflection?
How can I reflect without any judgements or evaluation?
What kind of questions can I ask to reflect?

Family time

When we start something new..it is fun, exciting but after sometime it becomes more of a ritual. At home, we started this family time. Family time was sitting together at the end of the day, talking, making limericks and just sharing. It was fun and I used to look forward to that time. After sometime, it became something like brushing your teeth everyday.. a ritual. There were times when I would want to watch my tv prog or do something else and varsha would force and say we need to have family time.. I did not want to do it and I would relent thinking that we should be doing this. I would even force Partha to do it. Now, thinking happening : What would happen if we took a break from family time? What would happen if we do not have family time for sometime? What would happen if we can just be? 
Isn't every moment we communicate with each other equally important?
Check out, is there something we are doing which we thought was fun and now has become more of a ritual. Are we uncomfortable when we don't do it? If we are then what is the belief we are stuck to.
If it is a belief then we can change it :-) and see what happens.

Choice..

Every day, I become aware of certain beliefs I carry about myself, aware of the beliefs I, form about others. I have the choice of changing the beliefs, so that I can move forward. At times, I make the choice of working on those beliefs, at times I get agitated that I have a choice and I wish that I didn't have the choice :-)

Police station...

Varsha visited the police station with her class. She was super excited with the event the day before. When I went to pick her up yesterday from school..she seemed tired and was not very enthusiastic about sharing her experiences. I let it go and slowly she shared how she had seen thieves :-) at the station. They had been told that one of them was there because he had stolen a gold chain. Not sure, why the children were shown people in lock up and told about what they had done?? 
I told her that she seemed a little uncomfortable talking about the visit and she promptly said,'yes'. I just acknowledged her feelings and let her know that she could talk to me about it when she was ready. She also mentioned that she did not want to talk about it.
In the night before sleeping she said,' Why do people murder?' I said,' you are thinking why people hurt each other?'.. she replied, 'yes... can someone come in and murder us?'
I said,' You are worried that someone will hurt us' and she nodded.
I also told her that people hurt other people when they do not know how to express their needs otherwise. I also assured her that all the doors were locked. She seemed satisfied ...she just hugged me and told me to be with her the whole night.. I promised her I would and I was.
She was her cheerful self in the morning.

So..simple

I am blogging after a long time. I just had to put this down :-)
Varsha needed 4 inch diamond shapes with chart paper for her craft work today. She went and bought the chart paper and we both sat down to cut it out. She brought the scale and as we were measuring.. I wondered aloud how do we make it as a diamond. What do I need to do?
''Mummy, it is so simple... we just have to cut it out as a square and the square becomes a diamond shape''.
Honestly, the thought had never crossed my mind at the time. It was soo simple :-)

Learning for me today...

 I got the information in the morning that Kamala who helps me in everything from taking care of my home and center was sick and may not be able to come for a few days. First thought was concern for her and the second thought,'OMG! How am I going to manage home/center without her.' 

Yep! I was being selfish there and I also told myself that I had told her to take rest but she would not listen. 

I took a deep breath and told myself that I could manage.. I have done this before ..and I could do it.

I reached home and started working on getting the chores done.. one by one.

I had a visitor, she is a beautician whom I know for the last 7 years. For me, the connection is more than just a professional relationship. As soon as she saw the condition of the kitchen she said,' Didi there is so much to do.. I will do the dishes, you sweep the floor..we can finish the work together'

I did not take up her offer and at the same time  was amazed with her spontaneous response. She had come for work leaving her nine month old baby who has to undergo an open heart surgery in October. With all her problems ..she was still so open to help me out. She showed me that heart can be at peace even in such hard situations.  So...much learning for me ...

Sharing..thinking :-)

Read this:
'' .... a person is not a finished, unchanging entity but a process flowing from moment to moment. There is no real ''being,'' merely an ongoing flow, a continuous process of becoming. Of course in daily life we must deal with each other of more or less defined, unchanging nature; we must accept external, apparent reality, or else we could not function at all. External reality is a reality, but only a superficial one. At a deeper level the reality is that the entire universe, animate and inanimate, is in a constant state of becoming - of arising and passing away. Each of us in fact a stream of constantly changing subatomic particles, along with which the processes of consciousness, perception, sensation, reaction change even more rapidly than the physical process.''

What I found interesting was the part that the 'External reality is just a superficial one'. Would that mean that what we are doing in our lives...following our dreams/goals/buying houses/cars etc is really not the reality..then what could we be doing instead of that??
What would happen if I am really able to see all this happening around me as external? Would I lose connection with the external world? Would I go into a world of my own which I have created for myself where I feel safe? Would I develop detachment? If I do become detached would that make me something like a stone which has no feelings? Just thinking aloud for myself :-)
Or somewhere just complicating things for myself :-))) 

NVC as I understand it..

Non violent communication is all about trying to understand our needs, others needs and trying to meet both the needs. There is no time frame for this or any fixed agenda.

There are many perspectives to it:

• It is upto the receiver how he wants to receive something (his interpretation)
• It is also upto the giver how he wants to give something

Both these aspects are blended into NVC

There is a four step process to communicate with compassion (looking at the other person as a person having feelings and needs just like me)

• Observation
• Feelings
• Needs
• Request

Observation: This is the first step and an important part of the communication. For eg: I enter my child's room and see the clothes on the floor..books on the floor etc. How do I respond :

• This room is so messy. Why cannot you keep things in place?
• I can see clothes and books on the floor. 

If you observe these two statements you can see the difference between an observation and an evaluation. When I make an evaluation it talks more about the speakers' beliefs and feelings and it makes a judgement on the other person. If I am being judged then I may not feel like having a conversation at all. In the second case there is just an observation (as it is) Observation helps us to seperate our thoughts and feelings from what is there. Helps the process of communication.

Feelings:  The second step is the feelings. Here we take onus of what we are feeling. For eg: What you said made me angry instead we can say ' I felt sad when I heard those words'. Some other person might feel amused/confused..so feelings are about the person who is feeling it. It is important to understand that no one can make me feel sad.. I just choose to feel sad. It helps to become aware of my feeling.

Needs :  We all have needs. When these needs are met we have certain feelings and when the needs are not met we have certain feelings. Identifying the need at the moment helps us to communicate. For eg: My need is to give a safe environment for expression ..

Request:  Now, we come to the last step where I have a need which has to be met so I make a request to the other person to meet my need. When I demand there is a resistance ..when I make a request I am seeing the other person as a person who has his own feelings and needs to be met.(the person is not an object)

For eg: I observe the towel on the floor. I tell my child,' When I see the towel on the floor ..I feel disturbed.. as my need for cleanliness is not met. Would you be willing to put the towel in the rack'' 

Do remember that at times my request might seem like a demand to the other person ..it might seem like a threat too. The point out here is that my need may be met or it may not be met. It is possible that the other person's need at that point of time is to relax:-))

Then I have an unmet need and the other person is meeting his need by resistance. How do I respond at that time? If I see the person as a person then I am able to see his needs and go further with him to understand and work on how both our needs are met or I see the person as an object and let him know that my need is more important /pass judgements on them/ put myself down etc etc.

This is a continuous process. If my aim is to connect and understand the other person then I am constantly working with this process as a way of life not as a tool or strategy.

Have loads of work to do on this :-))

Compassion/Lecture

Yesterday in the night around 8pm, I saw Varun working on something (a project) which he was supposed to submit today. He had known about it in the weekend and when we spoke about it..he gave an impression that he was in control and was clear with what he had to do.
Now, he seemed upset. He called me over and told me,' I have so much to do. I don't have pictures. I took some xeroxes but I forgot to take the other book for xerox. Oh God! how am I going to finish this'
I could see he was upset and ideally this would be a great opportunity to let him know about planning/taking it easy etc:-))
I saw him as a person who was feeling overwhelmed and did not require chiding/advises/suggestions. I told him,' You are overwhelmed right now. How would you like me to help you?'
He was quiet for a second and said,' I don't know'
I asked him,' Would you like me to go and get the pictures xeroxed for you'
He said,' That would be nice'
I went and got the xerox for him (luckily the shop is inside our complex). By the time I came back he had worked on the project ..before he slept he completed part of it... got up in the morning and completed the whole thing :-))
Just thinking back would my lecture have made a difference? 

Anatomy of Peace..

Reading a book called,' The Anatomy of Peace'.
This book has helped me see how we are creating conflict in our relationships, when we actually want peace within us and outside us.
My understanding as to what am I doing in my relationships.

•  Am I looking at a Person as a person or an Object
• Focus on helping things go right, rather than trying to fix things/children/spouses
• Shed our images of how the world sees us

I am enjoying reading this :-))

Mail...

Varsha wanted me to send her a mail (yep..she has one which is hardly used:-)) ). I wrote her a mail in which I expressed my love for her and also gave some gyaan on how in different ways she could express herself when she was going through a strong emotion. She read the mail and insisted on sending one to me. This is what she wrote:
Hope you stop shouting like that
how to respect smallers
1.Greet them
2.Hug them
3.Love them

:-))

Don't dump garbage on me..

Today morning, I was irritated with something(not sure what) and lost my cool. I started picking on Varun for no reason at all. He kept looking at me and at one point of time said,' Don't dump your garbage on me'. It took me by surprise and at the same time made me aware of what I was doing.
And I stopped what I was doing .. I apologised and he smiled.
It comes so naturally at times to us to dump our stuff on others without taking responsibility for our feelings and finding a way to deal with it.

Who is Abnormal..

Teacher told the parent in front of the child that the five year old is 'Abnormal'. There is something wrong with him. It really depresses me. Is the child abnormal because people around him cannot understand him. Who is Abnormal? I wonder if we are all normal?
Being normal is to complain, criticize, put down, do anything to prove I am right ? We as adults are doing all of this and we call a child who is trying to cope with all the criticism and the messages he is getting around him by creating a safe world for himself 'Abnormal'. The child just does not feel the need to be part of this harsh world around him.
Somewhere, are we losing sensitivity towards accepting differences, are we showing impatience when it is not conforming to our standards and conveniences?
Do we have any right to call a child 'Abnormal'? We need to do a reality check on ourselves before judging or evaluating anyone especially a child.

Different way of perceiving things...

Varsha heard in the school when the news was read that Mahi a five year old had fallen into the borewell and people were trying to get her out. She came home and expressed that people are trying to get the child out who fell into the borewell. She went to her friends place the next day and saw on the news that the child had been pulled out.
She came home and in the night she seemed very happy. She said,'Mummy, I saw on tv that Mahi had been saved. They were taking her to the hospital'. I did not think telling her what really happened at that time was appropriate and let it be. She was up early, seemed to have something on her mind. She started looking for the newspaper.. found the snippet about the child. Then she realised that it was talking about the child not being alive. She started asking questions and became very upset that Mahi could not be saved.
She asked so many questions as to 'What actually happened', 'How did she fall in', 'How big was the hole', What is a bore well?',' How can people be so careless and leave it open, 'why did she have to die', she was just five years old etc etc.
Before leaving for school she told me to check out the internet and get information for her about Mahi. When was her birthday? How did she fall? what were her parents doing? Where was this place? etc. I told her I would.
As soon as she came back from school she wanted to know more and felt really sad that Mahi had died on her birthday. She wanted to write a letter to the parents. She said,' What would they be feeling ma?' Will they be missing her? They will be so lonely..
Then as she was mentioning about her school activities she said,' In dictation I got everything right except two .. you know my mind was thinking about Mahi..that's why'
She also expressed how she was worried for me when I go out as she does not want me to fall into any hole of any sort :-). She worried about her brother who plays down, for her father and also for herself. Last night she said,' I do not want to go to school.. I am scared
In all this my role .. acknowledging and allowing her to share more of her thoughts and feelings.

Made me also think that as adults when we hear such news, we express shock at the moment and just carry on with our lives.. not really checking on our thoughts or feelings. The child looks at everything happening in a totally different perspective. 

Marriage..

We had been for an engagement few days back. Varsha had loads of questions. Where is the girl, where is the boy? Are they going to be living together? Why are they sitting seperately? etc etc.
After coming back she shared with her friend about the experience. Her friend gave her some more fundas and Varsha and I had a conversation just before she went to sleep which went something like this:
V: Is there something called 'love marriage'
Me: Yes
V: S told me about it. I know what it is.
Me: hmmm.
V: What is love marriage?
Me: What do you think it is?
V: hee... two people love and they kiss...heehee and ...heeeeee
Me: And ..
V: hee... they..hee.. show tummy
Me: Yes varsha, two people like each other and they think they want to be together for a long time so they get married... and have children .. family.
V: You don't need to marry to have children
Me: True, when you have children it can be difficult for one person to manage... she lost interest
V: What if I don't want to have children
Me: It is your choice
V: Till I become 38/40 also if I don't have children
Me: It is your choice
V: But I told you I want to have a baby girl and I want to name her 'donkey'
Me: hmmm.. not sure if she would like to be called 'donkey'
V: Ok, what shall we call her
Then we discussed a few names and she decided on 'Angela' .. she snuggled close and slept.

Learning..

 My laptop refused to switch on yesterday. It was working fine and suddenly just would not switch on. I could not believe it. The first thought which came to my mind was that all my research of last few years is gone. It definitely is not a good sign when the computer does not make the starting noise and is giving a blank screen. Also the words of my husband came to me,' Hope you are taking back ups? You never know'. I would just nod and not give it another thought. I would tell myself that I am being careful how I use it, I have an anti virus, I am updating regularly so nothing would happen.
And, how wrong I was. The service person clearly said that nothing much can be done and even if we do something it is going to cost a lot just to get it repaired without much of a guarantee. Luckily for me my husband took out time from his office and spent more than two hours trying to retrieve as much data as possible.
First thing which came to my mind is that 'why did it have to happen?' but now, I am grateful that the data could be saved, grateful that my husband was willing to take out time for my work. I have also learned not to take technology for granted :-)), learned how I can keep back ups without any hassles.
Have lots of work to do, the good news is that I am getting through it without any breakdowns :-)))

Habits of Mind/ Success skills/ Effective characteristics

We want our children to be good at academics, be good at sports, music etc. We also want them to be confident, perseverant, team player, creative, independent thinkers too. We spend lot of time, effort and money on the first part  if we consider the second part as important or more important or even equally important what are we actually doing to facilitate the development of these characteristics which we call as habits of mind or (HOM) or do we even have to do something to about it. Some thoughts on HOM:

• When I talk of HOM, I am talking about habits which I use time and again to help me move forward, which help me to reach my goals etc.
• When I talk of habits, I am also talking about becoming aware of habits which I am using time and again and are not helping me achieve what I want in life
• I want to develop certain habits which facilitate my progress
• To do this I identify a habit and go through a process to develop it
• So, why am I calling it success characteristics?
• These are characteristics which help me but unable to understand the 'success' part of it.
• I understand 'success' as being a relative term.
• Developing all these characteristics is an ongoing process and it will take me a life time to do it
• Am I using 'success' to emphasize the importance of these habits, so that we sit up and take notice and do something about it.
• I am still stuck with the word "success'' .. not sure if it is really necessary when I am talking about these characteristics.
• Am I still stuck with the thought that this would be the only way parents would work on the characteristics.
• What if we say that these characteristics make us more effective in whatever we do.. will this not be seen as important then.
• How about calling it 'Effective Skills'
• How do I know that the child is developing these characteristics.. through observation, awareness, reflection... a continuous process
• the confusion, churning anyways happening in the process

OR

Is it that I am the one who is attaching too much importance to 'success' and should not take it seriously as Aditi says,' Do not take HOM so seriously' :-))

School...

Varsha's first day of school today. She got everything ready yesterday night. Before going to sleep she told me," Mummy, new teacher, new class .. I am excited. If teacher is nice and friendly, I will come back in good mood. If teacher is strict and not nice, I will come back and take it out at home."

She was very clear. Hoping she has a great day at school :-))

Coping Strategies

She was just 5yrs or maybe 6. Whenever things were a little uncomfortable around her, maybe she got scolded or something happening which she could not understand she felt scared, she would say,' Ninni aa rahi hai' (feeling sleepy) and go and sleep. Hoping that things would have changed by the time she got up. This strategy worked for her so much that now she is thirty nine years old and even now when things get a little overwhelming or there is something which she finds hard to deal with she goes and sleeps it off. This strategy might have worked when she was 5 but now most of the time it doesn't because she has to work it out and deal with it. Yep ! That's  'ME'
I realised that when I am in total confusion as to what to do I use this strategy. Many a times I go to sleep wishing that the issue would just go away. It is not surprising that nothing goes away till I mull over it and work it out. It is like I am wearing the same dress I wore when I was 5yrs old . Can it fit? Of course it can't. Does this awareness help in changing the way I work? Maybe not completely, but I am aware now that I am choosing to use this strategy to cope with an issue right now.. but it is not the end and I have to do something about it :-))
All of us have our own coping strategies, it is important too as it helps us to have a balance and helps us to deal with issues around us. Awareness helps to understand that it cannot be used in the same form all the  time.Awareness also helps in looking at different options on how to deal with an issue. Of course the choice is ultimately ours.
So, what is your coping strategy???

Just a point of view...

When I tell people about opening a centre.. I get lot of reactions. Some keep quiet, some say, ' It is a very bold step', some say,'Great', some say,' How are you going to manage?' etc. When I hear all this somewhere I start asking myself,' What am I doing? Is there something wrong in what I am doing? Will this work? Am I upto it?' etc.. I start judging myself whether I am really ready for this or not.
Yesterday, I heard one person say that don't waste your time judging yourself. It limits you. He said tell yourself,' It is an interesting point of view. I have this point of view'. Hmmm... I tried this out for myself.
I told myself,' It is an interesting point of view. I have this point of view'. When I kept saying it over and over again to myself the first thing which happened was I started laughing. And I also realised that what I had been thinking about myself was my point of view.
It may seem funny but true that after this exercise I felt lighter as I knew it was not something which I have to worry about so much. This was only my point of view and also gives me a sense that there are possibilities which can be explored.
Of course 'It is an interesting point of view. I have this point of view' :-))

Praise..

I saw the title ' Praise turns child into bully' in the newspaper. It was in bold black letters and it immediately attracted my attention. What the small paragraph suggested was that parents should think twice before praising their children.  There has been research which shows that 'some children who bully have an over inflated sense of their own importance'. It mentions that there is a common misunderstanding that children who bully have a low self esteem.
A child psychologist has also commented saying that ''If you create a culture of entitlement, that's going to lead to them thinking they're entitled to anything and everything''.
It was interesting to me to see how the word ' Praise' has been casually used. For many parents reading this, it will be confusing. There is even a saying of some sort where it is said that if you praise children they will have a heavy head or something like that.
I wish such snippets would also have more details about what they understand by 'Praise'. On one side parents are told to praise to facilitate the development of self esteem in the child, on the other  hand they are told not to praise too much. This is done without going deep into the question as to 'what is praise?' or even ' why do we need praise' and if we do 'how can we praise'.
There is a need for us to take in what we read as a perspective, ask more questions, see how it works for us, how it makes sense to us and accept what we feel works .. keep revisiting to learn more.... keep exploring .......
" Experts can be wrong, and say things that sound right – so build a habit of evaluating new information and check it against things you already accept as fact". 

Beliefs...

All my actions are coming from a belief. How can I understand the core belief I am working from.
One of my friends shared how she was getting upset with her son, if he did not wash his hands as soon as he came in. What is the belief one may be operating from?

• Belief with regard to self
• Belief with regard to others
• Belief in general

Here, what would be the belief with regard to oneself:

• I am not efficient when the house is not spic and span
• I am the only one who knows how to keep the house clean
• I am not efficient or good enough if I cannot make my child listen to me

Belief with regard to the child:

• He does not care
• He does not know how to keep the house clean

Belief in general

• Children have to be told what to do

hmmmm.... Interesting... thinking...

Writing and Listening..

It has been two years since I started blogging. Thanks to Anjali my friend, who encouraged me to put my thoughts down. She said that it would help me clarify my thoughts when I put it down. On the lighter side I think, she just wanted me to stop boring her with my blabberings :-)) well! it worked.
I had no clue where to start or how to start but I started and now I enjoy putting down my thoughts, feelings, experiences. It brings clarity to my thoughts.. it creates more confusion at times. Now, people have the choice to read or not to read... comment or not to comment with no pressure on them. A big opportunity for me to be quiet and not use every person I meet to share my thoughts with :-))
Last few weeks have been on skype meetings where group of people meet, share, laugh etc etc. Being on skype it is not very easy for me to share my thoughts or come in between when a discussion is going on. It also takes lot of effort to hear what is going on as the audio is not very clear. In the beginning it was frustrating for me but then, I realised that it was an opportunity for me to learn. Without having any thoughts of mine just to listen to other's perspectives was an opportunity.
Now, when I listen my mind is clear of thoughts... trying to absorb what others are saying and sharing. I am learning to be in 'Silence'. Maybe too big a word.. but enjoying the process of writing and listening and less talking :-))

Judgements....

Judgements is another word for Belief. How interesting? When I have a belief about myself it is a judgement I am making about myself.
When I am judging myself, how can I grow?
When I am judging myself how can I not pass judgements on to the children/others
When I am judging myself I am stopping myself and children/others from moving forward
Can I take judgements about myself and others as just a point of view?
When I resist a judgement I am giving power to the judgement instead I take it as an interesting point of view then there is no power in it at all. It takes enormous energy to judge oneself and others.
When I keep working on myself, I do away with my judgements, things change around me.

Opening or Closing a window..

Friend, there’s a window that opens from heart to heart
And there are ways of closing it . . .
—Rumi 
I read this quote in the morning and really liked it .. somewhere it reminded me of my earlier blog on connecting to people.What does it really mean?
Connecting from the heart with the openness to understand others than make them do what we want them to do. When my agenda is to only get what I want then my behaviour would be different.
How would I behave if my intention is to just connect to understand.... ????????

Acknowledging Feelings...

Varsha was all ready to go down and play with her friends and one phone call changed everything. Her friends said that they will be coming down with their cycles. Varsha's cycle has been under repair for sometime. We don't have a cycle repair shop in immediate vicinity and so we have been cool about it.
Our conversation went on like this:
V: I want to go with my cycle
Me : The brakes are not working.
V: No! I am taking it down
Me: Allright
V: There is no air and brakes are not working. You never get it repaired (crying)
Me: Would you like to take your skates
V: You are bad! Skates are noisy and old. They move slowly. All my friends will be going fast and I will be alone.
Me: hmmmm...
V : You don't want me to have friends. You want me to be alone (crying.. shouting)
Me: You are very upset. Your cycle is not working and you will feel alone when you go down to play.
V: Yes! Can't you see that? What will I do?
Me: I wish I had a repair shop just next door and I could get your cycle repaired. I  know it is upsetting for you  that we keep telling you that we would get it repaired but it still has not happened.
In all this I was sitting next to her..giving her full attention .. I did not stop her from crying.
Me: Would you like me to talk to Appa and check out if we can find a cycle shop nearby.
V: Yes ! I will talk to him
She called him up and spoke to him. She had calmed down a bit though sobbing, the shouting had stopped.
She then called up her friend.
V: I cannot come down. My cycle is not working
F: It is ok varsha.. we will play running catching.
V: No, Krishna it is ok.. you have not cycled for a long time.. you cycle
They spoke for sometime
After keeping the phone
V : Krishna is so kind na
And she went off to play.

Coming in too soon...

Varun likes cricket and has been religiously following IPL. He was excited and happy that his fav team CSK was in finals. There being no TV (phase) at home, he went to watch it in the Amphitheatre where it was being screened in our campus. He came back after his team had batted satisfied with the score. He did not want to see the rest of the match as he was feeling anxious about it.
He got up very early in the morning and ran to the door to get the newspaper. And what he saw pulled him down, his favourite team had lost. He said,' Ma CSK lost' and just sat down.
I knew he was feeling bad about it. I said,' Varun it is okay. I think you are too much into winning and losing. It is just a game. You should just enjoy the process'. 'OOPS!' I did it again. I bit my tongue and kept quiet.
After almost three or four minutes of silence, I said,' You must be disappointed. Your team had come so close to winning'. He replied with a yes and then silence. I let it be.
After half an hour, he came to me and started sharing his thoughts.
'I think they will win next time. They have always been able to be in top four' etc etc. This time I just listened :-)

I like the way....

Have just started reading a book called,' Choice Words' by Peter Johnston. I have got stuck with one of the examples shared in the book. The example is about how the teacher facilitates the child in understanding a word and ends with the statement,' I like the way you figured it out'.
The author added that this comment of the teacher attributes the accomplishment entirely to the student. He goes further and says that this statement offers the student a retrospective narrative about the event in which he/she stars as the successful protagonist.
Hmm... I am not really sure about this. If I tell my child,' I like the way you behaved yourself in front of the guests today'. What does it really imply? Would the child tell himself, 'Oh! I did a great job' or would he go back thinking,' Okay my mom is happy when I do this'.
Maybe when I am talking about a child's work, I can say,' I like the orange flower with the smiley face and the blue river'. Here, I am not talking about the child's work but what personally I like about it. Instead if I say,' I like the way you have drawn within the borders' would it amount to a external praise where the child feels I am doing something right and my mother likes it this way... this way only.
When my objective is that the child takes pride in what he is doing, where is this 'I' coming from. Is it coming from a belief that I as an adult am making you aware?
How would it different if I change the earlier statement to,' It is interesting to see how you figured out this problem'. There is no ' I ' anywhere and the child is able to take in his/her achievement.
Hmmmmmmm..... still thinking :-))

Call of the Wild...

Watched the movie with Varsha. While watching we laughed, almost cried, felt anger, sadness, questioned the happenings. In the morning, Varsha was searching the book for the part where one of the characters gets killed. She was questioning his death .. she said it did not make any sense as he was a good man and there was no need for him to die. Acknowledged and left her with her thoughts.....

Opportunity..

Varsha has a book called,'Call of the wild' by Jack London this year (3rd standard). We thought we will check out what the story is about. She wanted me to read out the story. The story is about Buck (dog) and his journey with all twists and turns. It started with how he was kidnapped and then went to how he was beaten up etc and all this was in lot of details. I was feeling very uncomfortable reading the passages where he was being beaten up and how other dogs mauled one of the dogs etc. First thought which came to me was that

•  this was not an appropriate book for a 8yr old and how could the school prescribe such a book. 
• If I am uncomfortable reading it, how would an 8yr old feel about this.

I got stuck with this thought and found that Varsha was listening to the story with interest. I realised that it was 'ME' who was feeling all this because I did not like the gory details, at the same time I questioned myself,' Was I  focusing only on one aspect of the story and not even looking at the other things the story has to offer?'

I was working from certain beliefs :

• I  am uncomfortable reading such material as these kind of reading is not appropriate (it has to do with me and who says so)
• Child of 8yrs should not be exposed to certain kinds of content (who says so)
• They are not capable of processing it (is that really true?)

The awareness that I was working with the underlying belief that 'I know the best for my child' helped me to relax and as I kept reading the story, I found  that the story was also about the human and animal relationship, how the dog was surviving by being flexible, how he was able to understand things around him and work on it.

AHA! Now, it looked more like an opportunity for me and  my child to learn about different relationships, about being adaptable, about different worlds that exist, about different characteristics humans and animals possess.

Wow! there is so much to learn from this story. Here I was focusing on just one part of the story and making a mountain of a molehill.

I am not going to limit myself with my beliefs but look at the opportunity of learning something more. There may be still certain parts of the story which bring about an uncomfortable feeling but I can accept it as part of  who I am and still move forward.

Change your behaviour

Varsha  had been with her video game for sometime and I was busy in the kitchen. I called out to her and told her that she should switch off the video game as it had been a long time.
She got irritated and told me,' You need to change your behaviour'
hmmmm.........

Limited way of looking at things...

Yesterday evening Varsha and her friends came running to me and told me to protect them. It was funny to see them huffing and puffing at the same time they seemed scared. Their explanation was that one of their friends had become angry with them and left their game and they saw her coming back with her Grandmother.
These children assumed that she had brought her Grandma to scold them and they all ran away.
The children started talking about how they had seen her scold other children etc. This discussion went on for sometime till the phone rang.
It was the same girl who had come with her Grandma. She explained that their post box in the lobby had been open, so she had called her Grandma to close it and it was not what they had imagined. And before she could explain it to them, they had all run away.
These children heaved a sigh of relief and found it funny that they had interpreted the whole situation in a wrong way. Even after this, there were one or two of them who refused to go by the explanation and still held on to the thought that the friend had brought her Grandma to scold them.
Looking at them I realised that there were so many times where I would be thinking something about someone and find many events which support my theory. Even when there is enough evidence against it.
In one of the workshops I attended, one participant shared that no one liked her. In one of the activities the facilitator was helping her out, when we were sharing our reflections, she suddenly stated her thoughts that the facilitator did not like her. When asked how she had come to that conclusion, she shared that she had noticed the facilitator was not looking at her at all when she spoke and would look at everyone else but her. When the facilitator sat with her with the activity she realised that her thinking may not be totally true. If the facilitator had not done what she did, the participant would have gone back with another experience and reinforcement of her thought that 'No one likes her'
We seem to be limited in the way we look at things. We start with a thought and then keep stacking every experience we have like one coin on the other on that thought .. reinforcing it and believing it to be true. When these thoughts help me to grow and look at things which foster hope, it would be beneficial, but when these thoughts limit me and not allow me to go further it can be detrimental.
One small step where we can start  to avoid this happening would be to be aware of our thought and question it. Maybe then things will change a little :-)

Learning chess..

 
Varsha played chess with her friends at the club a few days back and found it interesting. She also saw her brother playing and expressed that she liked chess. She kept pestering her dad to play with her. He was very happy that she was showing interest and told her that he would sit with her.
She remembered that there was a chess game on his computer and insisted on playing that. The computer was switched on ..she started playing. Fortunately /unfortunately the computer clearly highlighted how each piece moved. Her father wanting to teach her the proper method tried to explain but she was not listening. She was just enjoying moving the pieces and wanted to keep cutting the opponents pieces. It was frustrating for her father as he tried to explain and then he gave up. She happily continued playing her way.
As parents we feel excited when our children take interest in something and immediately want to come in giving our inputs as to how they should go about it. One parent shared in a session how her child showed interest in puzzles and they bought him some. He was excited when he started but lost interest as soon as the parent came in telling him how to go about doing it. She shared that the moment they would talk about doing puzzles he would run away.
I have observed with my children that they seem to learn more quickly and with enjoyment when they are going through the process of learning with their friends. Varun used to think that he could not play badminton, he started going with his friends and now enjoys the game. He often says that he feels proud of himself that he has improved and is able to play much better now.
hmmmm... my learning... my way..

Fuzzies..

Today my learning,' It feels nice to be acknowledged for the work we do'. I work with the belief that I do because I enjoy doing something.  I tell myself that till the people close to me find 'value' in what I do, it does not really matter if others acknowledge or not. When I work with this belief it helps me to move on without analysing things too much and yes sometimes it makes me uncomfortable to hear people say nice things about me.
Today was bit of a surprise for me. In the morning I met up with a friend who thought I could help her out with something she was working on. She also specifically mentioned about how my session was helping her. It was a  small thing but I felt thrilled that what I had shared had made sense to someone.
I came back home and had a conversation with a person with whom I have been working for a long time. I had never really thought that my work had been observed in so much detail. It came as a surprise to me to hear all that was said about me. It made me feel 'valued'.
To add to all this, one of my friends who stays in another part of the world mentioned how her friend had liked the article which I had written (the first one ) that she had taken a print out and stuck it on her wall. I realised that even if one person found value in what I did and what I thought, it made sense to go on doing what I am doing.
Did all this affect my self esteem? No, it did not but it definitely helped to understand that it was allright to feel happy when someone talks nice about you, to accept it with humility. Also that we all have a basic need to be acknowledged though we may deny it based on certain beliefs we carry with us.
There is an interesting tale written by Claude Steiner http://www.originalwarmfuzzies.com/tale.htm . Hopefully we can do the same and give fuzzies to everyone around us freely without any conditions attached and accept that we all need fuzzies to grow into warm human beings.

Feelings..

I keep telling my children and myself that we choose how we feel. The situation is not in our control but what we think and feel is in our control. Easier said than done !
I have been working on this constantly where people respond in a certain way and I tell myself that it is upto to me to feel what I feel. Lots of times it works because I just get aware of my thought and turn it around as to suit me. I have had some people who are close to me say things like,' You may have certain things in mind but it is very difficult and it might not be possible.' At the moment it seems very discouraging, as I get the thought that this person does not want me to succeed and the feeling pulls me down. The thought and the feelings which come with it is not something helping me to grow. So, I tell myself that the person is really concerned that I should do well and is worried for me and is just making me ready for the worst :-) Actually it makes a difference when I think this way as I am able to be normal with the person next time I meet.
Lot of people say that this is just rationalising the situation. Maybe so ! I am at peace with myself. Am I able to do this with everyone?
I realised that this is not working with some people. I am still left with the unpleasant feeling. At times it makes me think whether I am doing enough to come out of the feeling or is it that I am actually enjoying being in that feeling or is it that the person does want me to feel a certain way and I go along with it.
It is interesting how I am aware of the feelings and having the choice to work on it, I still make the choice of feeling in a certain way which makes me feel like 'I have been wronged/ I am a victim'. Maybe this is the pay off I get by making this choice' self pity', 'sympathy'. Hmm..
At the same time there are certain feelings which keep coming back to us through different events, different people and everytime I get that feeling it stops my personal growth. I become defensive about myself and feel the need to prove something.
It is also possible that some feelings are so deep seated that the events and what people say or do just act as reinforcements to the feelings and the beliefs that I carry about myself, others and the world. Becoming aware of the events, the feelings and then working on the beliefs can change things around.
Am working on it...... :-)

'I can... '

Yesterday before I started a session with forty participants I challenged myself and decided that I wanted to remember all the names of the participants. I just told myself that 'I can remember all the names'. We had done this exercise in a workshop where we were supposed to remember the names of our co-participants. At that time there were seventy of us and most of us did manage to do it. So, this was something which I wanted to test out for myself if I could really do it.
It was amazing for me when I was able to remember every single name and even though they changed their position to confuse me:-) I could get their names correctly. It was 'awesome' as my children would put it.
It helped me to  immediately connect with the audience and I actually felt quite at home and comfortable there.
It was a very enjoyable learning experience for me.

'I am'

Just finished watching this movie 'I am' by Tom Shadyac. Click here to watch 'I am'  Some of the things which I liked :

• we are all connected and it is our perception that we are all separate
• what we do and do not do affects not just us but everything around us (the power of one)
• even a tiny act of ours ..the way we respond to others, the way we greet everything matters
• be the change you want to see around you
• somewhere we are lost in the concept of competition but it is actually cooperation all around us. We get what we are looking for (our perceptions)

Names and Marriage

Yesterday night when I was putting Varsha to sleep she suddenly started talking about 'names'. She started by asking me,'Mummy what is my grandmothers' full name?'
I told her and she said,' Appa's name is Parthasarathy..he should have his father's name too with it like I am Varsha Parthasarathy'.
I told her that he too had. Then she asked me why I am not having my father's name and why was I using Appa's name. I told her that it was a choice we make and at that time I had not thought too much about it and it just happened.
She said that when she gets married she would keep her dad's name as she loved him very much :-)
Then she started talking about marriage and was telling me that she wanted to marry so and so and I asked,' why do you want to marry?'
Her immediate reply was,' Because I do not want to alone'
She also said, 'Friends are there but they don't live with you. I want company and anyway you and Appa got married so I also want to' saying this she hugged me tight and went to sleep leaving me with my thoughts.

Connect..

How do I connect? No! not to the internet but with everyone and everything I come across. This question has been on my mind for a long time.
I meet so many people everyday; the security guard who gives me a smile when I walk across him, the acknowledgement of the conductor of the bus who has noticed that I am the only one in the bus getting down in the last stop  and I could go on... But, do I connect with them? A nod, a smile and then I do not think about it anymore. Is there a connection there or is it that I choose not to connect more than that?
Sometimes a bond develops with people whom we are meeting for the first time. We don't mind sharing our thoughts, feelings with them. We take the risk of opening up, becoming vulnerable to them without knowing them well. How does that happen? Are we aware that we are choosing to do so or it happens naturally?
Two years back, I was down with dengue admitted in the hospital and sharing the room with an elderly person being looked after by a young girl. While going through the agonising wait of my blood count to go up, I noticed that the young girl did not know any language other than hindi. She was finding it hard to converse with the nurses and was looking sad. Anyways, I had nothing much to do, so started talking to her. There was a slight hesitation in the beginning but, then she opened up and talked about her village, her brother who had brought her here and how this was her first job. We spoke for a long time, she asked lots of questions and was at ease after that.
As the elderly patient was not used to her, he refused to drink from her hands and was being difficult, so I went up to him, spoke to him in tamil and ended up feeding him.
All this happened over a period of four days, after which I was discharged. That girl was not happy at all and was worried how she would handle after I left. I assured her that she would manage. I also gave her my phone number incase she needed to talk to someone.
After few days, I received a call and it was the girl from the hospital. She said," Didi, it is me. Uncle was released the next day and he is fine. My brother bought me a mobile and I thought of you. You are the first person I have called. I wanted to tell you that I am doing fine and thank you for helping me in the hospital".
This was such an unexpected surprise. It actually made me think that in the hospital we both had a choice, whether to connect to or not. We chose to make a connection and it actually met her need for support and acknowledgement at that time. Just thinking ... what had been my need there??

A ride in the Giant Wheel..

I have always known it as the Giant Wheel. Much before the theme parks, giant wheels were the attraction in the fairs. I have had the experience of riding one years ago. Varsha wanted to sit on the Ferris wheel (newly learnt word for giant wheel) which had been put up in a ground in our area. Last week we went for the fair as Varsha seemed very keen on it, she wanted to experience it. Varun did not show great enthusiasm. He has not been very fond of the Ferris wheel and even the smaller ones on the beach in Chennai were not his favourites. He would scream to get down and we had never pushed him into sitting on one.
When we reached the huge structure both of them seemed really excited and the tickets were bought. I was not keen but as their father did not show interest and I did not want them to go alone, I joined them.
As soon as we sat in one of the boxes.. I realised that there was no safety gates on the sides. I was uncomfortable with the sides being open. When I looked at the children sitting on the opposite side with excitement written on their faces, I suddenly realised that it had been a long time for me too :-) and I was supposed to manage myself and also keep an eye on them.
As the wheel started moving slowly.. stopping every minute to get more people in.. Varun was closing his eyes. I asked him if he was feeling scared and he nodded and said he was not sure if he had done the right thing. We talked about it and soon enough the wheel started moving faster. It seemed okay when it was going up but when it was coming down .... then I saw Varsha..she was screaming ''It is scary ..I am scared.. I want to get down''. I saw Varun, he had his eyes closed imagining that he was flying and he seemed to be managing. Varsha was moving her head from side to side. I was worried about her leaving her hold in fear. The wheel just kept moving and moving... I was starting to wonder if it would ever stop :-))
The wonderful part of the whole experience was that we all kept talking about what we were feeling. Where we were getting the feeling (in the stomach) and the more we spoke about it without resisting the feeling of fear, excitement, thrill we got comfortable.
When the wheel started slowing down Varsha kept saying,'I don't want to get down' and Varun was like,' I am feeling good, I managed'.
When we got down, children excitedly shared their experiences with their father. For me it was a relief to have my feet on the ground :-)

Layers of ME..

Attended a two day workshop on 'Healing our inner world'. I am becoming more and more aware of the baggages I am carrying with me. At times I learn something very jarring about myself and it makes me wonder ..have I been carrying all this with me for so long and not even be aware of it. My thoughts in going for this workshop was to know more about what I was holding on to without the awareness.
It was an interesting workshop where I found myself sharing my thoughts, feelings freely. What made it more meaningful was uncovering some layers which came out through introspection with a small situation.
I liked what one of the facilitators said,' we are like the onion..layers over layers.. takes some time to reach to the core.'
It may be sometime before I am able to change my response to a certain situation but the awareness of the choice I am taking makes a difference. Layers to go before I reach the core ...

Request or Demand?

Last week I called up my mother who is staying with my brother just some kms away. I told her that I was attending a two day workshop this week and asked her if she would come and stay here for the two days as the workshop was full day and I would be home late. I thought I was making a request. My mother took some time to answer and there was some thinking going on from her side. When I did not get an immediate response from her, I reacted. I told her that I had expressed a need and she was taking so much time to reply.
What I thought of as a request was actually a demand disguised as a request. If it had been a request I would have given her time to think and get back but I did not do that. Though I used,'If you can', it was out of an expectation that she should.
And was I really expressing my need.. my need was of support and what I had expressed was a want..(that she should come and stay here)
How many times in a day do we do this?
How many times are our requests actually demands?
Next time you think that you are making a request just check with yourself as to how open are you to take a 'No' for an answer.

'I'

When I started on the journey of 'self discovery' as I call it, I used to get excited with every little thing I learnt and unlearnt. I would experiment, explore, reflect and when I would realise the benefits, I would want to share it with everyone. It would surprise me that people were not really open to the perspectives which I shared. It used to be very difficult and exasperating for me, as I just could not understand why they were not open to becoming more aware. Without awareness of the fact that I was the one who was trying to convince people in what I believed in  and was ending up judging them :-((
It took me some time to sit back and reflect as to what I was doing. After some heavy introspection it came to me that, what I was sharing were my experiences, it was my journey. I questioned myself as to what was it that made me start on this journey ..was it because someone told me to or forced me to ..No.. I wanted it. That was the 'AHA' moment for me. Like me, the rest of them are also in their own journey of life.. who am I to convince or change anyone.
Why am I giving so much of importance to the 'I' in me? 'I' is just a little 'i' who is on a journey and sharing her journey with others.
This realisation has helped me to become more aware and work without being judgemental. Does it happen 100% of the time. I wish it did :-(  The journey has just started for me and have a long long way to go... and I am getting there ... (hopefully:-)) )

Motivation in the classroom

From the book,' What did you learn at School today?' by Kamala .V.Mukunda
One important factor influencing a student's motivation to learn is the motivational system in place, or the classroom environment. Psychologists broadly classify these environments as competitive, cooperative or individualistic. All three systems can create the motivation to work, but for different reasons. And these different sources of motivation can have consequences for the way students approach learning.
Competitive classroom;

• Student's attention focussed on peer's performance
• Self vs other comparisons provide motivation to work
• Might lead student to think in terms of ability. 'Am I smart enough to do this? How did I do? How did he or she do? I don't want to make a mistake.....'
• Avoiding failure becomes all important, which means avoiding challenging situations
• Not trying can be one way of 'failing with honour'

Cooperative classroom:

• Student's attention is focussed towards performance of the group as a whole.
• They think in terms of 'oughts' and a sense of moral responsibility provides the motivation to work. 'Are we working hard enough? I(or he or she) ought to be contributing enough to work. My friends want me to work hard.'
• Intentions become all important and students evaluate each other in terms of willingness to work rather than ability.
• Peers encourage each others efforts. Trying is because you 'owe' it to your group mates.

Individualistic classroom:

• Students work completely independently, and each one's work and progress are unrelated to those of others in the class
• They are led to think in terms of mastering goals for themselves. 'I know I am improving. I am given a chance to correct my mistakes and my teacher wants me to try new things.'
• Self vs- earlier-self comparisons may be heightened, and these provide the motivation for work.
• Trying is for improving and bettering one's own earlier achievements.

 (Ind clrm)Student can focus on question,'How shall I do this? I need to make a plan.' In a (cooperat env ),'We need to make a plan'. But in a (comp env), even if the student tries hard, he/she may not 'succeed', since success is defined as doing better than other students. So the question asked by the student to himself/herself will be,' If I try, will I succeed?' The answer to this lies in her judgement of her own ability relative to the other students. So, motivation to learn will be dependent on that crucial judgement.

Psychologists call the 'double-edged sword of effort'. Effort could lead to success, but if it leads to failure, there is shame and a loss of self-esteem. Thus, in comp env, difficult tasks could lead to failure will be avoided

Even within one classroom, not all students will interpret the goals of the class int he same way. The teacher may ask his students to work together, yet a few of them opt out and work alone. Another teacher may expect his students to work independently, yet two or three of his students begin to collaborate with each other. And we all know of students, who, inspite of being in competitive classrooms, ignore those compulsions and work simply to master the material.

The choice of which system a class follows is influenced by the school's educational philosophy and, ultimately, by societal values. But, it is the teacher who sends powerful motivational messages to her students int he kinds of expectations she communicates.

Awareness..

Today from morning was filled with self doubts. Having taken the first step forward now thoughts coming to my mind have not been that encouraging.
Will I be able to do what I want to do?
What will happen if I am not able to sustain my energy levels?
It should not become a financial burden on my family
Will I be able to manage my time for my family and my activities
How will people react to my venture? will it be negative/positive ?
Wills and what would happen if.... All these thoughts and more.. it was bogging me down .. bringing tears in my eyes for no reason at all. It was not helping me at all.
Decided to stop and get in touch with what was happening to me. When I closed my eyes and observed : the stomach churning, heart beating fast, slight headache, it felt as if I was carrying a huge load. This awareness helped me to understand what these thoughts were doing to me. It also made me introspect as to where was I when I was thinking these thoughts..definitely not in the present.
What is the present..the Now..
I am getting an opportunity to do what I want to do.. I have a place.. the will ..the energy and enthusiasm.. support of my husband and family.. What more do I need?
I can change the way I think..change my thoughts ..
I am capable, I am following my dreams.. I am constantly working on it, I am enjoying this process.
I am feeling the tightness in my stomach disappear, feeling relieved and feeling lighter.
My thoughts right now : I will cross the bridge when I come to it.
"I'm no longer afraid of Storms as I am learning to sail my own ship" - Louisa May Alcott

Origami..

Enjoyed making this origami flower.

Feelings..

Have decided to move forward by starting a small place of my own. Lots of thoughts running through my mind. One one side : financial commitment, pressure to meet costs, time management, sustainability. On the other side: exploring different possibilities, experimenting, reaching out to more people, children. Wow!
Enjoying the feelings of confusion and excitement at the same time :-)

Advertisements not real..

We were sitting and watching TV. Advertisements were been shown and Varsha observed,'' All these ads are not real, they are fooling us''. I was surprised with her outburst. She continued,'' Look, look how they show all this but it does not really happen. They just want us to buy these things and waste our money''. Wow! coming from an eight year old and that too where the children seem to be the main consumers and they decide in many homes what to buy, I was taken aback.
I asked her,'' What makes you say that?''
She said,'' You have seen the pizza ad, they show how the cheese comes out of the pizza, it has never happened to me like that''. Just then an ad for a deodrant came and she immediately said,'' Look, it does not happen in real life that people start running after you just because you use it''
I could not help smiling and thinking that she was teaching me something. Would I stop using 'Olay' now... hmmm :-))

Intelligence

When I was in school I heard this many times,'You may not be good at Maths but you are artistic'. I grew up thinking that maybe I am not intelligent. It made me not explore lot of things where I thought intelligence was a requirement :-)) Now when I look around I hear people saying,' He is very brainy in terms of maths and science. He is intelligent' If someone is good in dance or singing, I hear people saying that he or she is talented. It gives an impression that Intelligence is limited to certain aspects only. Fortunately there are people who have a different take on Intelligence. We are all intelligent in our own way. The concept of Multiple Intelligences introduced by Howard Gardner widens the scope and helps in Acceptance of self with our intelligence. I look at MI in a very simplistic way with regard to children and learning :

• Society predominantly looking only at logical(IQ) and somewhere verbal. MI provides an avenue to widen the scope and also provides Acceptance to be other than Logical based
• MI gives me a wide framework to design my content when I am working with children
• Understanding of MI that each one of us have our own strong intelligences helps me to have purpose and in using this framework and with awareness of reaching out to all the children.
• Instead of identifying a child's intelligence I am giving exposure of all the MI's to the child and leave it to him to learn from his strong intelligence.
• Exposing the child to all these intelligences, the child becomes aware and it is a possibility that when he has a choice he can use one of the eight MI's his choice depending on his inclination at the moment to learn.

Button..

An interesting thing happened just a few minutes back. Varsha got ready to go to the pool. She was wearing her swimsuit and a shirt on top. I noticed that she had not buttoned up one button but I did not say anything.
She went to her friends place and was waiting for them. The mother of the child at once noticed the button out of place and she told Varsha to put it properly. My daughter kept saying, 'It is okay aunty'. I could hear the conversation and could hear the mother insisting on her making it right.
I went out to say bye to her and saw Varsha opening the buttons and 'making it right'. I told the mother it was okay...it is not so important. She said,' I told her to do it again.. it is not okay'.
Some questions coming to my mind:

• What would have happened if she had gone with the button undone?
• What message did the child get when she was forced to do it in a certain way?
• How would it affect me if the child had gone like that?
• What is not allowing us to just 'let go'
• What belief am I as an adult working from?

I learn at my pace..

I had taken Varsha to the pool on Thursday. She was splashing around, wanting me to see her antics. She does not know proper swimming but she enjoys being in the water and has learnt number of tricks from her brother. While watching her could not help notice the anxious parents watching their children who were learning under a coach.
Most of the children were 4/5 yrs old. There were two children who were wailing away. One parent was standing away and watching, the other parent kept coming and wiping the tears. I could see that the mother herself was almost in tears.
It took me a few years back when my son was learning how to swim. I remember once standing on the side and telling him that he could do better and he should put out his hands in a certain way without having once entered the pool myself. The poor child told me that he was trying his best. But only when I entered the pool,I realised what I had done,I was so scared to be in a 5ft pool :-)). It really changed the way I was with him. Now, it makes me so happy to see him working on his techniques by observing others and he loves to swim. This also helped me with Varsha. She would go to the pool with her floaters and was very happy and content with it. She would be floating all around the pool and used to feel comfortable doing that.
She would keep watching others learn, how they were thrown into the pool by the coaches etc and did not express any desire to learn through coaching and I did not bother. When she completed 6yrs she suddenly said that she wanted to go for coaching. She said she was ready for it. It was interesting to watch her as she went through the process. I was still worried whether she was going to start crying but she surprised me...no tears. She went through the whole coaching like a breeze, not that she learnt the technique but she felt very comfortable in the water. Now, she pushes off with her friends and enjoys being in the water.
Many parents have told me that if she does not learn now she may never get her technique right and excel in it even if she has the potential.
Raises some questions in my mind: Is there an age to learn something?
What is the purpose in children trying to learn everything by age of 7/8?
Does everything have to be learning ..learning all the time.
Why cannot the child just do something which they enjoy without having to think of excelling in it or having to prove something to someone.
Why cannot a child learn things at their pace and when they want to?
Where is it that we are tying to reach ?
Thinking..pondering....

Fun

I met a child who is studying for IIT.He mentioned that he was just waiting for it to be all over.. at times he felt he could not breathe. Is he having fun? If I want something or I have a goal should I not enjoy and have fun while going through that process of reaching there.
I keep hearing Varun's dad saying,'It is fun to do maths'. Hmmm.. Maths and fun! When I look back on my childhood I cannot think of a day after 5th standard where I would have thought maths to be fun :-))
What would be fun for me? When I don't feel any kind of pressure on me to prove 'I know'. When the pressure on getting it right is not there. When I can explore different ways of doing it, when I can relate it to different things, when I am not told that,'it is so simple or it is difficult, you have to think'. When I am not told that I am not good at maths, maybe good in drawing, so its okay.
Yes, these would be some of the criteria for me to have fun while doing maths.
Right now, I am working on making maths fun for me. I enjoy working with my son as I just explore without the pressure of having to perform, 'Well'.
I wonder if children today really are having fun going through the education system the way it is and are we as adults and parents distorting the definition of fun for them by telling them that if the learn the correct way they will have fun. Hmmmmmm....