NVC as I understand it..

Non violent communication is all about trying to understand our needs, others needs and trying to meet both the needs. There is no time frame for this or any fixed agenda.

There are many perspectives to it:

• It is upto the receiver how he wants to receive something (his interpretation)
• It is also upto the giver how he wants to give something

Both these aspects are blended into NVC

There is a four step process to communicate with compassion (looking at the other person as a person having feelings and needs just like me)

• Observation
• Feelings
• Needs
• Request

Observation: This is the first step and an important part of the communication. For eg: I enter my child's room and see the clothes on the floor..books on the floor etc. How do I respond :

• This room is so messy. Why cannot you keep things in place?
• I can see clothes and books on the floor. 

If you observe these two statements you can see the difference between an observation and an evaluation. When I make an evaluation it talks more about the speakers' beliefs and feelings and it makes a judgement on the other person. If I am being judged then I may not feel like having a conversation at all. In the second case there is just an observation (as it is) Observation helps us to seperate our thoughts and feelings from what is there. Helps the process of communication.

Feelings:  The second step is the feelings. Here we take onus of what we are feeling. For eg: What you said made me angry instead we can say ' I felt sad when I heard those words'. Some other person might feel amused/confused..so feelings are about the person who is feeling it. It is important to understand that no one can make me feel sad.. I just choose to feel sad. It helps to become aware of my feeling.

Needs :  We all have needs. When these needs are met we have certain feelings and when the needs are not met we have certain feelings. Identifying the need at the moment helps us to communicate. For eg: My need is to give a safe environment for expression ..

Request:  Now, we come to the last step where I have a need which has to be met so I make a request to the other person to meet my need. When I demand there is a resistance ..when I make a request I am seeing the other person as a person who has his own feelings and needs to be met.(the person is not an object)

For eg: I observe the towel on the floor. I tell my child,' When I see the towel on the floor ..I feel disturbed.. as my need for cleanliness is not met. Would you be willing to put the towel in the rack'' 

Do remember that at times my request might seem like a demand to the other person ..it might seem like a threat too. The point out here is that my need may be met or it may not be met. It is possible that the other person's need at that point of time is to relax:-))

Then I have an unmet need and the other person is meeting his need by resistance. How do I respond at that time? If I see the person as a person then I am able to see his needs and go further with him to understand and work on how both our needs are met or I see the person as an object and let him know that my need is more important /pass judgements on them/ put myself down etc etc.

This is a continuous process. If my aim is to connect and understand the other person then I am constantly working with this process as a way of life not as a tool or strategy.

Have loads of work to do on this :-))