I am responsible for what I feel

"People are disturbed not by things,
but by the view they take of them."-- Epictetus

Have we heard ourselves say,'I am angry because you did not listen to me.'or
'I am feeling hurt because she did not answer my call' or
'I am feeling proud that you got the marks I expected.'

What do you think all these statements have in common? Yes, I am feeling something because of an external stimulus. Something outside 'ME' is controlling my emotions. It is very easy, isn't it to put the blame or reason on someone else for what I am feeling. When I say these things what does it tell about me? I have no control over what I think or feel, is that really really true?

Let's take another example and check it out. You have had a long tiring day and you come home to find that your husband has got into the kitchen trying to make something and the whole place is a mess. How would you respond? What would be your feeling?
Now, take the same situation, the only difference is that you have had a great day and you come home to find the mess. How would you respond now? What would be your feeling?

Is there a difference between what you felt in the earlier situation and the latter one? The situation is the same but what is different is your state of mind. In the earlier situation you might say something like,' I am already tired and look what you are doing..you are making me so angry.' In the latter situation you might respond saying,' It is allright..you were just trying to help ..here let me help you clean it up.'

Is it really true that the situations or people are responsible for what we feel? We choose how we feel, if we are able to take out just a minute before reacting/responding and check ourselves then we will be able to see that we have a choice before us. Taking responsibility for one's own feelings and responses empowers us to make better choices. If we are able to apply it to ourselves first and also work with children in the same manner, it will help our children to realise that they are in control of what they feel despite the stimulus the get. To be aware of our thoughts and to be in control of how we feel is a step towards empowering oneself and children.
Try it out next time you are in a strong feeling.

Right answers

We(Varsha and I ) were working on maths. When she completed one sum, she had got it right and I just asked her how she got the answer. She immediately changed her answer though it was the right answer. When I enquired why she had done that she replied saying,'You would say that only if something is wrong'. A learning for me. The child has been conditioned to think that a doubt will be raised only when there is something wrong.

Do we explore right answers as much as we do the wrong answers?
Let's observe ourselves over the next 24 hrs and see that when our children give us the right answers do we take it further by asking them how they got it or do we just move ahead? and how many times in a day do we do that.
When they give us wrong answers how do we respond? We ask them to try again/ how did you get this answer etc.

We unknowingly are encouraging our children to stop thinking and think in terms of right or wrong. If we can inculcate the habit in ourselves to ask or understand how the child got a particular answer instead of it being right or wrong it is possible that the child may focus more on the process (think) through something rather than just try to get the answer we expect from them

what do you think?

Discipline

I saw an article on discipline today in the paper. It did start off by stating discipline has to be done in a way where a child's self esteem or dignity is not harmed. The article talked about how the child should be doing certain things, as per the adult's wishes. How the adult needs to be strict by giving appropriate punishments or rewards to get the child to be in discipline.
It is just making me wonder where is the child in all this. It is all about controlling the child so how in the world will the child develop any kind of self esteem. One of the parents I was talking to said that it would be unnatural to think of a child as an individual. He is not capable of taking decisions or being part of the disciplining process.
How long would control last? What if we change this process and work with cooperation with the child. Would it be unnatural to have a belief that an adult and a child can work together to bring about peace and order around them. Something to explore and experiment :-)