Different way of perceiving things...

Varsha heard in the school when the news was read that Mahi a five year old had fallen into the borewell and people were trying to get her out. She came home and expressed that people are trying to get the child out who fell into the borewell. She went to her friends place the next day and saw on the news that the child had been pulled out.
She came home and in the night she seemed very happy. She said,'Mummy, I saw on tv that Mahi had been saved. They were taking her to the hospital'. I did not think telling her what really happened at that time was appropriate and let it be. She was up early, seemed to have something on her mind. She started looking for the newspaper.. found the snippet about the child. Then she realised that it was talking about the child not being alive. She started asking questions and became very upset that Mahi could not be saved.
She asked so many questions as to 'What actually happened', 'How did she fall in', 'How big was the hole', What is a bore well?',' How can people be so careless and leave it open, 'why did she have to die', she was just five years old etc etc.
Before leaving for school she told me to check out the internet and get information for her about Mahi. When was her birthday? How did she fall? what were her parents doing? Where was this place? etc. I told her I would.
As soon as she came back from school she wanted to know more and felt really sad that Mahi had died on her birthday. She wanted to write a letter to the parents. She said,' What would they be feeling ma?' Will they be missing her? They will be so lonely..
Then as she was mentioning about her school activities she said,' In dictation I got everything right except two .. you know my mind was thinking about Mahi..that's why'
She also expressed how she was worried for me when I go out as she does not want me to fall into any hole of any sort :-). She worried about her brother who plays down, for her father and also for herself. Last night she said,' I do not want to go to school.. I am scared
In all this my role .. acknowledging and allowing her to share more of her thoughts and feelings.

Made me also think that as adults when we hear such news, we express shock at the moment and just carry on with our lives.. not really checking on our thoughts or feelings. The child looks at everything happening in a totally different perspective. 

Marriage..

We had been for an engagement few days back. Varsha had loads of questions. Where is the girl, where is the boy? Are they going to be living together? Why are they sitting seperately? etc etc.
After coming back she shared with her friend about the experience. Her friend gave her some more fundas and Varsha and I had a conversation just before she went to sleep which went something like this:
V: Is there something called 'love marriage'
Me: Yes
V: S told me about it. I know what it is.
Me: hmmm.
V: What is love marriage?
Me: What do you think it is?
V: hee... two people love and they kiss...heehee and ...heeeeee
Me: And ..
V: hee... they..hee.. show tummy
Me: Yes varsha, two people like each other and they think they want to be together for a long time so they get married... and have children .. family.
V: You don't need to marry to have children
Me: True, when you have children it can be difficult for one person to manage... she lost interest
V: What if I don't want to have children
Me: It is your choice
V: Till I become 38/40 also if I don't have children
Me: It is your choice
V: But I told you I want to have a baby girl and I want to name her 'donkey'
Me: hmmm.. not sure if she would like to be called 'donkey'
V: Ok, what shall we call her
Then we discussed a few names and she decided on 'Angela' .. she snuggled close and slept.

Learning..

 My laptop refused to switch on yesterday. It was working fine and suddenly just would not switch on. I could not believe it. The first thought which came to my mind was that all my research of last few years is gone. It definitely is not a good sign when the computer does not make the starting noise and is giving a blank screen. Also the words of my husband came to me,' Hope you are taking back ups? You never know'. I would just nod and not give it another thought. I would tell myself that I am being careful how I use it, I have an anti virus, I am updating regularly so nothing would happen.
And, how wrong I was. The service person clearly said that nothing much can be done and even if we do something it is going to cost a lot just to get it repaired without much of a guarantee. Luckily for me my husband took out time from his office and spent more than two hours trying to retrieve as much data as possible.
First thing which came to my mind is that 'why did it have to happen?' but now, I am grateful that the data could be saved, grateful that my husband was willing to take out time for my work. I have also learned not to take technology for granted :-)), learned how I can keep back ups without any hassles.
Have lots of work to do, the good news is that I am getting through it without any breakdowns :-)))

Habits of Mind/ Success skills/ Effective characteristics

We want our children to be good at academics, be good at sports, music etc. We also want them to be confident, perseverant, team player, creative, independent thinkers too. We spend lot of time, effort and money on the first part  if we consider the second part as important or more important or even equally important what are we actually doing to facilitate the development of these characteristics which we call as habits of mind or (HOM) or do we even have to do something to about it. Some thoughts on HOM:

• When I talk of HOM, I am talking about habits which I use time and again to help me move forward, which help me to reach my goals etc.
• When I talk of habits, I am also talking about becoming aware of habits which I am using time and again and are not helping me achieve what I want in life
• I want to develop certain habits which facilitate my progress
• To do this I identify a habit and go through a process to develop it
• So, why am I calling it success characteristics?
• These are characteristics which help me but unable to understand the 'success' part of it.
• I understand 'success' as being a relative term.
• Developing all these characteristics is an ongoing process and it will take me a life time to do it
• Am I using 'success' to emphasize the importance of these habits, so that we sit up and take notice and do something about it.
• I am still stuck with the word "success'' .. not sure if it is really necessary when I am talking about these characteristics.
• Am I still stuck with the thought that this would be the only way parents would work on the characteristics.
• What if we say that these characteristics make us more effective in whatever we do.. will this not be seen as important then.
• How about calling it 'Effective Skills'
• How do I know that the child is developing these characteristics.. through observation, awareness, reflection... a continuous process
• the confusion, churning anyways happening in the process

OR

Is it that I am the one who is attaching too much importance to 'success' and should not take it seriously as Aditi says,' Do not take HOM so seriously' :-))

School...

Varsha's first day of school today. She got everything ready yesterday night. Before going to sleep she told me," Mummy, new teacher, new class .. I am excited. If teacher is nice and friendly, I will come back in good mood. If teacher is strict and not nice, I will come back and take it out at home."

She was very clear. Hoping she has a great day at school :-))

Coping Strategies

She was just 5yrs or maybe 6. Whenever things were a little uncomfortable around her, maybe she got scolded or something happening which she could not understand she felt scared, she would say,' Ninni aa rahi hai' (feeling sleepy) and go and sleep. Hoping that things would have changed by the time she got up. This strategy worked for her so much that now she is thirty nine years old and even now when things get a little overwhelming or there is something which she finds hard to deal with she goes and sleeps it off. This strategy might have worked when she was 5 but now most of the time it doesn't because she has to work it out and deal with it. Yep ! That's  'ME'
I realised that when I am in total confusion as to what to do I use this strategy. Many a times I go to sleep wishing that the issue would just go away. It is not surprising that nothing goes away till I mull over it and work it out. It is like I am wearing the same dress I wore when I was 5yrs old . Can it fit? Of course it can't. Does this awareness help in changing the way I work? Maybe not completely, but I am aware now that I am choosing to use this strategy to cope with an issue right now.. but it is not the end and I have to do something about it :-))
All of us have our own coping strategies, it is important too as it helps us to have a balance and helps us to deal with issues around us. Awareness helps to understand that it cannot be used in the same form all the  time.Awareness also helps in looking at different options on how to deal with an issue. Of course the choice is ultimately ours.
So, what is your coping strategy???

Just a point of view...

When I tell people about opening a centre.. I get lot of reactions. Some keep quiet, some say, ' It is a very bold step', some say,'Great', some say,' How are you going to manage?' etc. When I hear all this somewhere I start asking myself,' What am I doing? Is there something wrong in what I am doing? Will this work? Am I upto it?' etc.. I start judging myself whether I am really ready for this or not.
Yesterday, I heard one person say that don't waste your time judging yourself. It limits you. He said tell yourself,' It is an interesting point of view. I have this point of view'. Hmmm... I tried this out for myself.
I told myself,' It is an interesting point of view. I have this point of view'. When I kept saying it over and over again to myself the first thing which happened was I started laughing. And I also realised that what I had been thinking about myself was my point of view.
It may seem funny but true that after this exercise I felt lighter as I knew it was not something which I have to worry about so much. This was only my point of view and also gives me a sense that there are possibilities which can be explored.
Of course 'It is an interesting point of view. I have this point of view' :-))

Praise..

I saw the title ' Praise turns child into bully' in the newspaper. It was in bold black letters and it immediately attracted my attention. What the small paragraph suggested was that parents should think twice before praising their children.  There has been research which shows that 'some children who bully have an over inflated sense of their own importance'. It mentions that there is a common misunderstanding that children who bully have a low self esteem.
A child psychologist has also commented saying that ''If you create a culture of entitlement, that's going to lead to them thinking they're entitled to anything and everything''.
It was interesting to me to see how the word ' Praise' has been casually used. For many parents reading this, it will be confusing. There is even a saying of some sort where it is said that if you praise children they will have a heavy head or something like that.
I wish such snippets would also have more details about what they understand by 'Praise'. On one side parents are told to praise to facilitate the development of self esteem in the child, on the other  hand they are told not to praise too much. This is done without going deep into the question as to 'what is praise?' or even ' why do we need praise' and if we do 'how can we praise'.
There is a need for us to take in what we read as a perspective, ask more questions, see how it works for us, how it makes sense to us and accept what we feel works .. keep revisiting to learn more.... keep exploring .......
" Experts can be wrong, and say things that sound right – so build a habit of evaluating new information and check it against things you already accept as fact".