Button..

An interesting thing happened just a few minutes back. Varsha got ready to go to the pool. She was wearing her swimsuit and a shirt on top. I noticed that she had not buttoned up one button but I did not say anything.
She went to her friends place and was waiting for them. The mother of the child at once noticed the button out of place and she told Varsha to put it properly. My daughter kept saying, 'It is okay aunty'. I could hear the conversation and could hear the mother insisting on her making it right.
I went out to say bye to her and saw Varsha opening the buttons and 'making it right'. I told the mother it was okay...it is not so important. She said,' I told her to do it again.. it is not okay'.
Some questions coming to my mind:

• What would have happened if she had gone with the button undone?
• What message did the child get when she was forced to do it in a certain way?
• How would it affect me if the child had gone like that?
• What is not allowing us to just 'let go'
• What belief am I as an adult working from?

I learn at my pace..

I had taken Varsha to the pool on Thursday. She was splashing around, wanting me to see her antics. She does not know proper swimming but she enjoys being in the water and has learnt number of tricks from her brother. While watching her could not help notice the anxious parents watching their children who were learning under a coach.
Most of the children were 4/5 yrs old. There were two children who were wailing away. One parent was standing away and watching, the other parent kept coming and wiping the tears. I could see that the mother herself was almost in tears.
It took me a few years back when my son was learning how to swim. I remember once standing on the side and telling him that he could do better and he should put out his hands in a certain way without having once entered the pool myself. The poor child told me that he was trying his best. But only when I entered the pool,I realised what I had done,I was so scared to be in a 5ft pool :-)). It really changed the way I was with him. Now, it makes me so happy to see him working on his techniques by observing others and he loves to swim. This also helped me with Varsha. She would go to the pool with her floaters and was very happy and content with it. She would be floating all around the pool and used to feel comfortable doing that.
She would keep watching others learn, how they were thrown into the pool by the coaches etc and did not express any desire to learn through coaching and I did not bother. When she completed 6yrs she suddenly said that she wanted to go for coaching. She said she was ready for it. It was interesting to watch her as she went through the process. I was still worried whether she was going to start crying but she surprised me...no tears. She went through the whole coaching like a breeze, not that she learnt the technique but she felt very comfortable in the water. Now, she pushes off with her friends and enjoys being in the water.
Many parents have told me that if she does not learn now she may never get her technique right and excel in it even if she has the potential.
Raises some questions in my mind: Is there an age to learn something?
What is the purpose in children trying to learn everything by age of 7/8?
Does everything have to be learning ..learning all the time.
Why cannot the child just do something which they enjoy without having to think of excelling in it or having to prove something to someone.
Why cannot a child learn things at their pace and when they want to?
Where is it that we are tying to reach ?
Thinking..pondering....

Fun

I met a child who is studying for IIT.He mentioned that he was just waiting for it to be all over.. at times he felt he could not breathe. Is he having fun? If I want something or I have a goal should I not enjoy and have fun while going through that process of reaching there.
I keep hearing Varun's dad saying,'It is fun to do maths'. Hmmm.. Maths and fun! When I look back on my childhood I cannot think of a day after 5th standard where I would have thought maths to be fun :-))
What would be fun for me? When I don't feel any kind of pressure on me to prove 'I know'. When the pressure on getting it right is not there. When I can explore different ways of doing it, when I can relate it to different things, when I am not told that,'it is so simple or it is difficult, you have to think'. When I am not told that I am not good at maths, maybe good in drawing, so its okay.
Yes, these would be some of the criteria for me to have fun while doing maths.
Right now, I am working on making maths fun for me. I enjoy working with my son as I just explore without the pressure of having to perform, 'Well'.
I wonder if children today really are having fun going through the education system the way it is and are we as adults and parents distorting the definition of fun for them by telling them that if the learn the correct way they will have fun. Hmmmmmm....

Experiences..

Recently I attended two workshops. One was a ten day workshop. There were about seventy of us in the group. On the first day the facilitators stated their expectations with regard to the session rules. One of them was to be on time and the other was to keep our mobile phones switched off. It did not stop there, they also mentioned that a fine of Rs.100/- would be slapped on people who did not follow the rules. I did not really agree with the punitive part of it as I think we are capable people who understand the ethics of different environments and did not need an external force to make us obey.
Anyways, my thoughts to myself.
Despite the rule, people came in late, phones did ring and there was a nice collection at the end of the course for a scrumptious meal :-)
Looking back, did I get disturbed by the phone rings?.Hmmmm 'No' I was totally focused on what the facilitator was saying so it did not matter to me at all.
The second workshop was a two day workshop where the facilitator just mentioned about keeping the mobile phones on silent and requested us to go out and take the call. Again, phones did ring and people went out to talk and it did not disturb me at all.
As a participant I did not get affected.
How does it affect me if I am taking a session?
When I started taking sessions I did not state any expectations of any sort to the participants with regard to mobiles or even time, as I was working from the belief that I am there only to share my perspectives and it is totally upto them what they do with it. Phones would buzz, people walk out and in, people come in late etc etc. Till now, I have ignored or I am so involved with the content of the session that it has not disturbed me for me to really sit and think about it as an issue.
The belief that each one is there for their own reason has helped me to be focused on myself and my content.

There was one experience which was really interesting and a learning for me. In one of the groups there was one person who would doze of in the session. She would be right in front of me and would be sleeping. When I saw this, in the beginning it really disturbed me. I started asking myself.. am I responsible for this, am I not taking the session properly and I would look around for a reassurance that I was doing ok. I decided that it was not doing me any good in thinking this way, so I decided to work on it. I observed her when she would doze off and I saw her very peaceful. It seemed as if this was a place where she could take some time off and rest or she would be running after her children or doing the chores. This thought lifted the burden off my shoulders. The next time I saw her dozing off, it brought a smile to my lips at the thought that my talking was like a lullabye to her and she was getting the rest she deserved.

This was a big learning for me that I need not go around changing anything or anyone when things are not going my way, it works for me when I change my way of thinking about something or someone.

Being present

Yeserday morning while going through my books, I suddenly realised that one of my books was missing. I had not seen it for quite a while and so the search began. I searched for it everywhere I could and still could not trace it.
It was upsetting for me as I could not understand where the book had gone. My mind was totally into it. I turned the whole house upside down but still NO book. Things happening around me did not matter ..only the book mattered.
After the second round of search, I sat down exhausted when the telephone rang. It was my friend who wanted to talk, though I tried to be attentive I found my thoughts going back to the book again and again. It was very distracting. I confessed to my friend that I was so preoccupied with the book that I am not able to think straight. She was very understanding let me continue with my search.
While searching for it the third time I got it. It was such a relief. When I sat down with the book in my hand, I started reflecting on what had happened.

-What would have happened if I had not found the book?
-How have I changed or how has my life changed now that I have the book in my hand, -which I am not even going to read immediately
-I was not this perturbed when my gas cylinder got empty without refill being there in the middle of my making lunch.
The answers disturbed me. Even after being aware of my feelings I had done nothing about it. I could not be in the moment. What was it that made me so disturbed.
So much of time I spent on something which really did not matter in the end :-(
The voice inside my head said,' Subha... lots of work to do and a long way to go.......'

Questioning..

Varun was stuck with a problem in Maths. Earlier I would tell him to ask his father as I had a belief that I am really bad at maths :-)) Now, I tell him,' Great! let's have a look at it' Yep, I have improved.

So, we sat together and when I had a look at the problem, there was a venn diagram with different numbers in it ... I had no clue what to do. I decided that I would just ask questions and have the belief that he will find a way of doing it. The questions started:
what are some of the things which come to your mind when you see this diagram
How do you think they might be related
Can you put them down in paper and explain to me etc.. Then we actually went through the question (multiple choice).
So, what according to you are they wanting here
what are you thinking about it etc..
He started explaining and trying it out but we were still not getting it. He himself struck down two choices as not being possible and gave an explanation for that.
My response,' So, you have zeroed down on two possibilities, does it seem more workable now?'
His answer,' I think it will be easier for me now'
We were still stuck, then I told him,'Let's just put whatever data has been given down and check whether we can see a connection'
We did that and he kept staring at it for a minute and said,'Oh! I got it, it was so so simple'
We did it! We did it!
Then he explained to me and yes! I learnt how to do the problem.
We also discussed what had helped him in the process and he shared that writing it down made him see it more clearly. He also reflected that many times he would try to do the problem in his mind which was confusing.
We talked about how we could use different strategies at different times instead of sticking on to just one way of doing it.
I learnt it is not necessary to know everything to teach but to have an open mind to explore and not get caught with the right or the wrong answer. He also felt comfortable that I was working with him at his level and not from the level of 'I know it'.

Imaginary ball..

Have you played with an imaginary ball? Oh! it is lots of fun. The other day I went to a birthday party and children from age of 4 yrs to 9 yrs were there. To keep them occupied I decided to play a game with them. I told them we all had to hold our balls and play with them. It was very interesting how open the younger ones were and immediately held the balls (imaginary) in their hands. I did the same, the older children just watched and refused to join in. We bounced our balls, threw it up and caught it, we even tried to catch each others balls.
Then we tried to explore it further and decided to play dodge ball. This was the fun part, we stood in a circle with one child in the middle and we started throwing the ball. One child went very near the child who was in the middle and threw the ball at her. This child started shouting,'cheating! cheating!, she came near and threw it at me, not fair!' :-)) It was like playing a real game.

We have started playing it at home now. Try it out .. it is one of the ways which will help in bonding and yes! lots of excitement. Get the elder ones to join it.. if we loosen up and bring out the child in us, it will help children be a child instead of growing up too soon.