Praise..

When we tell a child  “You are a good boy, eat your food’. The child responds by saying “No... I am a bad boy”. Why the denial of praise? In fact, we observe that adults are also not able to accept praise when given. We either shy away from it or feel uncomfortable about accepting a praise. We are working from a belief that we need encouragement and praise to feel good about ourselves and about our work. 

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Holidays.. exploring

Get into the flow...

  'Say YES to your UNIVERSE' Something I am working on.
Whatever happens in your life just say yes instead of No.
Universe is the flow in our lives and the lives of others over which we have little or no control.
Saying yes means getting up and acting on your belief that you can create meaning and purpose in whatever life hands you.
Let go and let the river of life carry you to new adventures by the way you experience your life. Figure out how to get into the flow rather than what you can get from the flow.
Instead of resisting with a 'No' , 'why me' say 'YES' 'Wow ..its me' and see what happens.

Experience

Varsha wanted strawberry cornflakes but we had only Mango and she was upset. She said,' I want only strawberry cornflakes' 
I replied,' We have only mango today and we have chappati and we have bread. What would you like to have'.
She said,' I hate mango..I hate you.. I will not eat.' I did not reply and kept mum (silence).
After two minutes she put cornflakes for herself.. put badam in it.. put raisins.. cut banana and added to it (she remarked,' mummy, I cut the banana myself') and then she added sprouts :-) to it. In all this going on, none of us commented anything. She asked her brother to pour milk. One spoon in and she commented,' I don't like sprouts and banana with the cornflakes', she still continued to have it. Then she said,' I am too full.. I can't eat the whole thing.'
I asked

,' What do you think you will do differently next time?'
She replied,' I will take little cornflakes..not add sprouts and banana and once I am done I will take more if I want'
How important is to experience?
What would be an experience without any reflection?
How can I reflect without any judgements or evaluation?
What kind of questions can I ask to reflect?

Family time

When we start something new..it is fun, exciting but after sometime it becomes more of a ritual. At home, we started this family time. Family time was sitting together at the end of the day, talking, making limericks and just sharing. It was fun and I used to look forward to that time. After sometime, it became something like brushing your teeth everyday.. a ritual. There were times when I would want to watch my tv prog or do something else and varsha would force and say we need to have family time.. I did not want to do it and I would relent thinking that we should be doing this. I would even force Partha to do it. Now, thinking happening : What would happen if we took a break from family time? What would happen if we do not have family time for sometime? What would happen if we can just be? 
Isn't every moment we communicate with each other equally important?
Check out, is there something we are doing which we thought was fun and now has become more of a ritual. Are we uncomfortable when we don't do it? If we are then what is the belief we are stuck to.
If it is a belief then we can change it :-) and see what happens.

Choice..

Every day, I become aware of certain beliefs I carry about myself, aware of the beliefs I, form about others. I have the choice of changing the beliefs, so that I can move forward. At times, I make the choice of working on those beliefs, at times I get agitated that I have a choice and I wish that I didn't have the choice :-)

Police station...

Varsha visited the police station with her class. She was super excited with the event the day before. When I went to pick her up yesterday from school..she seemed tired and was not very enthusiastic about sharing her experiences. I let it go and slowly she shared how she had seen thieves :-) at the station. They had been told that one of them was there because he had stolen a gold chain. Not sure, why the children were shown people in lock up and told about what they had done?? 
I told her that she seemed a little uncomfortable talking about the visit and she promptly said,'yes'. I just acknowledged her feelings and let her know that she could talk to me about it when she was ready. She also mentioned that she did not want to talk about it.
In the night before sleeping she said,' Why do people murder?' I said,' you are thinking why people hurt each other?'.. she replied, 'yes... can someone come in and murder us?'
I said,' You are worried that someone will hurt us' and she nodded.
I also told her that people hurt other people when they do not know how to express their needs otherwise. I also assured her that all the doors were locked. She seemed satisfied ...she just hugged me and told me to be with her the whole night.. I promised her I would and I was.
She was her cheerful self in the morning.

So..simple

I am blogging after a long time. I just had to put this down :-)
Varsha needed 4 inch diamond shapes with chart paper for her craft work today. She went and bought the chart paper and we both sat down to cut it out. She brought the scale and as we were measuring.. I wondered aloud how do we make it as a diamond. What do I need to do?
''Mummy, it is so simple... we just have to cut it out as a square and the square becomes a diamond shape''.
Honestly, the thought had never crossed my mind at the time. It was soo simple :-)

Learning for me today...

 I got the information in the morning that Kamala who helps me in everything from taking care of my home and center was sick and may not be able to come for a few days. First thought was concern for her and the second thought,'OMG! How am I going to manage home/center without her.' 

Yep! I was being selfish there and I also told myself that I had told her to take rest but she would not listen. 

I took a deep breath and told myself that I could manage.. I have done this before ..and I could do it.

I reached home and started working on getting the chores done.. one by one.

I had a visitor, she is a beautician whom I know for the last 7 years. For me, the connection is more than just a professional relationship. As soon as she saw the condition of the kitchen she said,' Didi there is so much to do.. I will do the dishes, you sweep the floor..we can finish the work together'

I did not take up her offer and at the same time  was amazed with her spontaneous response. She had come for work leaving her nine month old baby who has to undergo an open heart surgery in October. With all her problems ..she was still so open to help me out. She showed me that heart can be at peace even in such hard situations.  So...much learning for me ...

Sharing..thinking :-)

Read this:
'' .... a person is not a finished, unchanging entity but a process flowing from moment to moment. There is no real ''being,'' merely an ongoing flow, a continuous process of becoming. Of course in daily life we must deal with each other of more or less defined, unchanging nature; we must accept external, apparent reality, or else we could not function at all. External reality is a reality, but only a superficial one. At a deeper level the reality is that the entire universe, animate and inanimate, is in a constant state of becoming - of arising and passing away. Each of us in fact a stream of constantly changing subatomic particles, along with which the processes of consciousness, perception, sensation, reaction change even more rapidly than the physical process.''

What I found interesting was the part that the 'External reality is just a superficial one'. Would that mean that what we are doing in our lives...following our dreams/goals/buying houses/cars etc is really not the reality..then what could we be doing instead of that??
What would happen if I am really able to see all this happening around me as external? Would I lose connection with the external world? Would I go into a world of my own which I have created for myself where I feel safe? Would I develop detachment? If I do become detached would that make me something like a stone which has no feelings? Just thinking aloud for myself :-)
Or somewhere just complicating things for myself :-))) 

NVC as I understand it..

Non violent communication is all about trying to understand our needs, others needs and trying to meet both the needs. There is no time frame for this or any fixed agenda.

There are many perspectives to it:

• It is upto the receiver how he wants to receive something (his interpretation)
• It is also upto the giver how he wants to give something

Both these aspects are blended into NVC

There is a four step process to communicate with compassion (looking at the other person as a person having feelings and needs just like me)

• Observation
• Feelings
• Needs
• Request

Observation: This is the first step and an important part of the communication. For eg: I enter my child's room and see the clothes on the floor..books on the floor etc. How do I respond :

• This room is so messy. Why cannot you keep things in place?
• I can see clothes and books on the floor. 

If you observe these two statements you can see the difference between an observation and an evaluation. When I make an evaluation it talks more about the speakers' beliefs and feelings and it makes a judgement on the other person. If I am being judged then I may not feel like having a conversation at all. In the second case there is just an observation (as it is) Observation helps us to seperate our thoughts and feelings from what is there. Helps the process of communication.

Feelings:  The second step is the feelings. Here we take onus of what we are feeling. For eg: What you said made me angry instead we can say ' I felt sad when I heard those words'. Some other person might feel amused/confused..so feelings are about the person who is feeling it. It is important to understand that no one can make me feel sad.. I just choose to feel sad. It helps to become aware of my feeling.

Needs :  We all have needs. When these needs are met we have certain feelings and when the needs are not met we have certain feelings. Identifying the need at the moment helps us to communicate. For eg: My need is to give a safe environment for expression ..

Request:  Now, we come to the last step where I have a need which has to be met so I make a request to the other person to meet my need. When I demand there is a resistance ..when I make a request I am seeing the other person as a person who has his own feelings and needs to be met.(the person is not an object)

For eg: I observe the towel on the floor. I tell my child,' When I see the towel on the floor ..I feel disturbed.. as my need for cleanliness is not met. Would you be willing to put the towel in the rack'' 

Do remember that at times my request might seem like a demand to the other person ..it might seem like a threat too. The point out here is that my need may be met or it may not be met. It is possible that the other person's need at that point of time is to relax:-))

Then I have an unmet need and the other person is meeting his need by resistance. How do I respond at that time? If I see the person as a person then I am able to see his needs and go further with him to understand and work on how both our needs are met or I see the person as an object and let him know that my need is more important /pass judgements on them/ put myself down etc etc.

This is a continuous process. If my aim is to connect and understand the other person then I am constantly working with this process as a way of life not as a tool or strategy.

Have loads of work to do on this :-))

Compassion/Lecture

Yesterday in the night around 8pm, I saw Varun working on something (a project) which he was supposed to submit today. He had known about it in the weekend and when we spoke about it..he gave an impression that he was in control and was clear with what he had to do.
Now, he seemed upset. He called me over and told me,' I have so much to do. I don't have pictures. I took some xeroxes but I forgot to take the other book for xerox. Oh God! how am I going to finish this'
I could see he was upset and ideally this would be a great opportunity to let him know about planning/taking it easy etc:-))
I saw him as a person who was feeling overwhelmed and did not require chiding/advises/suggestions. I told him,' You are overwhelmed right now. How would you like me to help you?'
He was quiet for a second and said,' I don't know'
I asked him,' Would you like me to go and get the pictures xeroxed for you'
He said,' That would be nice'
I went and got the xerox for him (luckily the shop is inside our complex). By the time I came back he had worked on the project ..before he slept he completed part of it... got up in the morning and completed the whole thing :-))
Just thinking back would my lecture have made a difference? 

Anatomy of Peace..

Reading a book called,' The Anatomy of Peace'.
This book has helped me see how we are creating conflict in our relationships, when we actually want peace within us and outside us.
My understanding as to what am I doing in my relationships.

•  Am I looking at a Person as a person or an Object
• Focus on helping things go right, rather than trying to fix things/children/spouses
• Shed our images of how the world sees us

I am enjoying reading this :-))

Mail...

Varsha wanted me to send her a mail (yep..she has one which is hardly used:-)) ). I wrote her a mail in which I expressed my love for her and also gave some gyaan on how in different ways she could express herself when she was going through a strong emotion. She read the mail and insisted on sending one to me. This is what she wrote:
Hope you stop shouting like that
how to respect smallers
1.Greet them
2.Hug them
3.Love them

:-))

Don't dump garbage on me..

Today morning, I was irritated with something(not sure what) and lost my cool. I started picking on Varun for no reason at all. He kept looking at me and at one point of time said,' Don't dump your garbage on me'. It took me by surprise and at the same time made me aware of what I was doing.
And I stopped what I was doing .. I apologised and he smiled.
It comes so naturally at times to us to dump our stuff on others without taking responsibility for our feelings and finding a way to deal with it.

Who is Abnormal..

Teacher told the parent in front of the child that the five year old is 'Abnormal'. There is something wrong with him. It really depresses me. Is the child abnormal because people around him cannot understand him. Who is Abnormal? I wonder if we are all normal?
Being normal is to complain, criticize, put down, do anything to prove I am right ? We as adults are doing all of this and we call a child who is trying to cope with all the criticism and the messages he is getting around him by creating a safe world for himself 'Abnormal'. The child just does not feel the need to be part of this harsh world around him.
Somewhere, are we losing sensitivity towards accepting differences, are we showing impatience when it is not conforming to our standards and conveniences?
Do we have any right to call a child 'Abnormal'? We need to do a reality check on ourselves before judging or evaluating anyone especially a child.

Different way of perceiving things...

Varsha heard in the school when the news was read that Mahi a five year old had fallen into the borewell and people were trying to get her out. She came home and expressed that people are trying to get the child out who fell into the borewell. She went to her friends place the next day and saw on the news that the child had been pulled out.
She came home and in the night she seemed very happy. She said,'Mummy, I saw on tv that Mahi had been saved. They were taking her to the hospital'. I did not think telling her what really happened at that time was appropriate and let it be. She was up early, seemed to have something on her mind. She started looking for the newspaper.. found the snippet about the child. Then she realised that it was talking about the child not being alive. She started asking questions and became very upset that Mahi could not be saved.
She asked so many questions as to 'What actually happened', 'How did she fall in', 'How big was the hole', What is a bore well?',' How can people be so careless and leave it open, 'why did she have to die', she was just five years old etc etc.
Before leaving for school she told me to check out the internet and get information for her about Mahi. When was her birthday? How did she fall? what were her parents doing? Where was this place? etc. I told her I would.
As soon as she came back from school she wanted to know more and felt really sad that Mahi had died on her birthday. She wanted to write a letter to the parents. She said,' What would they be feeling ma?' Will they be missing her? They will be so lonely..
Then as she was mentioning about her school activities she said,' In dictation I got everything right except two .. you know my mind was thinking about Mahi..that's why'
She also expressed how she was worried for me when I go out as she does not want me to fall into any hole of any sort :-). She worried about her brother who plays down, for her father and also for herself. Last night she said,' I do not want to go to school.. I am scared
In all this my role .. acknowledging and allowing her to share more of her thoughts and feelings.

Made me also think that as adults when we hear such news, we express shock at the moment and just carry on with our lives.. not really checking on our thoughts or feelings. The child looks at everything happening in a totally different perspective. 

Marriage..

We had been for an engagement few days back. Varsha had loads of questions. Where is the girl, where is the boy? Are they going to be living together? Why are they sitting seperately? etc etc.
After coming back she shared with her friend about the experience. Her friend gave her some more fundas and Varsha and I had a conversation just before she went to sleep which went something like this:
V: Is there something called 'love marriage'
Me: Yes
V: S told me about it. I know what it is.
Me: hmmm.
V: What is love marriage?
Me: What do you think it is?
V: hee... two people love and they kiss...heehee and ...heeeeee
Me: And ..
V: hee... they..hee.. show tummy
Me: Yes varsha, two people like each other and they think they want to be together for a long time so they get married... and have children .. family.
V: You don't need to marry to have children
Me: True, when you have children it can be difficult for one person to manage... she lost interest
V: What if I don't want to have children
Me: It is your choice
V: Till I become 38/40 also if I don't have children
Me: It is your choice
V: But I told you I want to have a baby girl and I want to name her 'donkey'
Me: hmmm.. not sure if she would like to be called 'donkey'
V: Ok, what shall we call her
Then we discussed a few names and she decided on 'Angela' .. she snuggled close and slept.

Learning..

 My laptop refused to switch on yesterday. It was working fine and suddenly just would not switch on. I could not believe it. The first thought which came to my mind was that all my research of last few years is gone. It definitely is not a good sign when the computer does not make the starting noise and is giving a blank screen. Also the words of my husband came to me,' Hope you are taking back ups? You never know'. I would just nod and not give it another thought. I would tell myself that I am being careful how I use it, I have an anti virus, I am updating regularly so nothing would happen.
And, how wrong I was. The service person clearly said that nothing much can be done and even if we do something it is going to cost a lot just to get it repaired without much of a guarantee. Luckily for me my husband took out time from his office and spent more than two hours trying to retrieve as much data as possible.
First thing which came to my mind is that 'why did it have to happen?' but now, I am grateful that the data could be saved, grateful that my husband was willing to take out time for my work. I have also learned not to take technology for granted :-)), learned how I can keep back ups without any hassles.
Have lots of work to do, the good news is that I am getting through it without any breakdowns :-)))

Habits of Mind/ Success skills/ Effective characteristics

We want our children to be good at academics, be good at sports, music etc. We also want them to be confident, perseverant, team player, creative, independent thinkers too. We spend lot of time, effort and money on the first part  if we consider the second part as important or more important or even equally important what are we actually doing to facilitate the development of these characteristics which we call as habits of mind or (HOM) or do we even have to do something to about it. Some thoughts on HOM:

• When I talk of HOM, I am talking about habits which I use time and again to help me move forward, which help me to reach my goals etc.
• When I talk of habits, I am also talking about becoming aware of habits which I am using time and again and are not helping me achieve what I want in life
• I want to develop certain habits which facilitate my progress
• To do this I identify a habit and go through a process to develop it
• So, why am I calling it success characteristics?
• These are characteristics which help me but unable to understand the 'success' part of it.
• I understand 'success' as being a relative term.
• Developing all these characteristics is an ongoing process and it will take me a life time to do it
• Am I using 'success' to emphasize the importance of these habits, so that we sit up and take notice and do something about it.
• I am still stuck with the word "success'' .. not sure if it is really necessary when I am talking about these characteristics.
• Am I still stuck with the thought that this would be the only way parents would work on the characteristics.
• What if we say that these characteristics make us more effective in whatever we do.. will this not be seen as important then.
• How about calling it 'Effective Skills'
• How do I know that the child is developing these characteristics.. through observation, awareness, reflection... a continuous process
• the confusion, churning anyways happening in the process

OR

Is it that I am the one who is attaching too much importance to 'success' and should not take it seriously as Aditi says,' Do not take HOM so seriously' :-))